A message from the Queen

[RealBlackStuff]

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

[Cigarguy]

[olex126]

Great to wake up to a good laugh!



It appears Her Majesty is not amused!

Dave

[shawross]

Yes the New World Order are certainly out of order.

[dorronto]

Fuonny Dom! (I mean funny Dom!)

[killer]

Good post, Dom. I have a feeling that I posted this years ago ... not that it matters. A good story never grows old. Happy new year.

[BillMorrow]

funny in a sad sort of way..
what were the words attributed to ben franklin upon exiting the constitutional convention hall when asked by a passing lady: "what have you given us, mr. franklin?" to which he replied: "a republic if you can keep it!"..

well, the answer seems to be that we can not "keep it" after all..

[RealBlackStuff]

In view of the upcoming November disaster, I think we should send a message to Her Majesty, that her takeover is not such a bad idea after all...

[MikalE]

I don't think anyone would notice.

[Khipata]

Perhaps THAT would be better than what we have right now...

[Medessec]

As an American, I'd probably be down with the Queen taking over our government.

Not sure about the spelling palaver and interesting perspective that everywhere in the United States is like Detroit and L.A., but we definitely do need a political upheaval.

Seriously though- I would love to see a ballot in our country on something as crazy as that, and see how many people vote for a British takeover.

[shawross]

You are only voting for a figure head or a front man or front woman maybe.

The people that will run the country you don't get any option to vote on.

The landscape started to change in 1947.

[USSS]

In view of the upcoming November disaster, I think we should send a message to Her Majesty, that her takeover is not such a bad idea after all...

Just wait another week, and you'll be able to send that message to "Her Majesty" in Washington, D.C.

God help us all.

[Cigarguy]

You'll need more help if the lying loud mouth bigot gets in. Not that the other option is that much better. That's what you get for being so entrenched with a 2 party and only 2 party "democratic" system. Not that Canada is any better mind you. Fortunately whoever gets in is going to be so neutered it might as well be the Queen that runs the country.

[MikalE]

You can get in on the fun too. No Donald required...

Canada said on Monday it would let 300,000 immigrants into the country in 2017, maintaining this year’s target despite recommendations to increase it to help spur economic growth.

The government said it was establishing 300,000 as a new baseline for the admission of permanent residents, with the majority of those allowed into the country to be selected as economic immigrants.

While the target is unchanged from 2016’s plan, it is above the average of 259,542 immigrants admitted from 2011 to 2015.

Immigration minister John McCallum told reporters that making the 300,000 target permanent laid the foundation for future immigration growth.

“I do believe it is true that more immigrants for Canada would be a good policy for demographic reasons,” McCallum told reporters.

Like many developed countries, Canada has an aging population, which poses a challenge for economic growth.

An economic advisory council to finance minister Bill Morneau recently recommended that Canada increase its annual immigration target to 450,000 over the next five years to attract top talent to Canadian companies.

“That number is a conceivable number for some date in the future, but certainly not for 2017,” said McCallum, who noted he agreed with the spirit of the recommendations.

Under next year’s plan, the number of immigrants admitted under the economic category will increase to 172,500 from 160,600 this year, the government said. The number of refugees will decrease to 40,000 from 55,800.

Canada has a population of about 35 million.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/ ... quota-2017

[evening_hunger]

So Canada has a population the size of Poland's, but it's area is 30 times bigger. Taking in 300k immigrands don't seem tragic.

What does puzzle me is a false equivalency theorem I kinda sense here when people talk Donald or Madam. It's like there's no difference, she's corrupted, he's stupid who cares. No, really, there IS a qualitative difference. Just as well, Filipinos might've thought Duterte was not worse, maybe Russians yawned in 2000 thinking about differences between Putin and Yeltsin. They don't anymore.

[RealBlackStuff]

Whoever gets in next week, will hopefully (and definitely should) be impeached early on.
Did anybody bother to check the (lack of) capabilities of the nominated VPs?
Whatever happens, I'm already working at leaving this country.

[axur-delmeria]

Philipinians might've thought Duterte was not worse

Filipinos. Just correcting.

IMO the people were tired of "traditional politicians" (self-serving, wealth-amassing types) and Duterte projected himself as an alternative. Unfortunately, we got a hard-headed, short-tempered, trash-talking president who's not used to receiving advice or criticism. And it doesn't really help that he has ties to the family of deceased dictator Ferdinand Marcos.

[Cigarguy]

IMO the people were tired of "traditional politicians" (self-serving, wealth-amassing types) and Duterte projected himself as an alternative. Unfortunately, we got a hard-headed, short-tempered, trash-talking president who's not used to receiving advice or criticism. And it doesn't really help that he has ties to the family of deceased dictator Ferdinand Marcos.

Don't be fooled, Duterte is just as self-serving and wealth-amassing as any other politician from any other country.

[evening_hunger]

Philipinians might've thought Duterte was not worse

Filipinos. Just correcting.

Apology. Correction inserted.

IMO the people were tired of "traditional politicians" (self-serving, wealth-amassing types) and Duterte projected himself as an alternative. Unfortunately, we got a hard-headed, short-tempered, trash-talking president who's not used to receiving advice or criticism. And it doesn't really help that he has ties to the family of deceased dictator Ferdinand Marcos.

Oh yes that song ("I'm not a politician! Trust me!") sounds so familiar.

[axur-delmeria]

Apology. Correction inserted.

Accepted. No worries.

TBH I don't want to talk about Duterte any further, because only negative feelings will spring forth from my end, and I don't need any of that.

[BillMorrow]

SO..
it seems the rise of the little guy is proceeding apace..

first brexit now trump.. next..?

[shawross]

The status quo is the rich get richer and the little guy gets poorer. The little guy protests by shooting himself in the foot.

[axur-delmeria]

The status quo is the rich get richer and the little guy gets poorer..

Saddening, but true. Oxfam's report on the world's wealth distribution.